Friday, October 19, 2012

Tales from the Police Blotter - Fiction

"I swear if we get called out to one more place about this bacon shortage, I'm never eating it again." Officer Ben Fulcher said to his partner as they headed for Union Deposit.

"I'll call your wife right now and tell her the good news, Ben. She'll be thrilled." Officer LuAnn Polson quipped back.

"Call her later, we're here." Fulcher said as they parked at the Waffle House. Through the windows they could see a disheveled man pounding emphatically on the counter. "You come in from the other side, I'll take lead. Hopefully, we can just talk him out of here."

Office Fulcher came quietly through the door. The man at the counter was yelling, "This is the Waffle House, how can you not have bacon? What is wrong with you? People deserve to have bacon with their waffles!"

Fulcher gently put a hand on the man's shoulder. The customer turned to face him, his eyes were unfocused and bloodshot. Officer Fulcher could smell cheap beer on his breath. He spoke to him in a soothing tone, "You're right sir, people do deserve bacon. Unfortunately, there's a nation-wide shortage. Millions of people are without bacon right now, isn't that sad?" This tone usually worked well on the inebriated, enabling him to lead them to the car.

"It's all a lie! The media just wants you to THINK there's no bacon. They're in on it! The president is keeping it all for himself and his friends. It's Bacon Socialism! Bacon should be for the masses, not only for the privileged!"

Fulcher glanced across the restaurant at Polson. She rolled her eyes. It was the Great Bacon Conspiracy. This guy was going to make some new friends if they had to 302 him. So far though, he wasn't presenting any real threat. Fulcher tried again.

"Sir, you're absolutely right. Everyone should have bacon. It should be a constitutional right. But there is no bacon here sir, and you're scaring this young lady." He gestured to the woman behind the counter wearing a white paper hat, who did her best to go from looking bored to scared out of her mind.

The bacon-starved man looked at the officer, and then spoke quietly, as one trying to bring others to his cause. "She's part of it too sir, and she probably doesn't even know it. There's bacon here. It's hidden for the Mayor and the Governor. I know if she just goes and looks in the back, she'll find a secret cache of bacon!" he finished triumphantly, his volume having risen back to shouting for the last sentence.

Officer Fulcher raised his eyes to the stained drop ceiling, praying for patience. "Sir, what is your name?"

"You can call me Wilbur," the man replied.

"Okay, Wilbur. There's no bacon here. And I can't allow you to continue to harrass the employees and disturb the other customers. So why don't you let Officer Polson and I give you a ride home?"

Then Wilbur tried to take the Waffle House hostage with the only weapon he had.

He unzipped his pants and pulled it out, gripping it firmly in his hand and then screaming at the staff, "I will urinate on every person in this restaurant if you don't go in the back, and get me some bacon RIGHT NOW!"

Officers Fulcher and Polson reacted the moment Wilbur reached for his zipper. On Fulcher's signal, Polson released the tazer from her belt and fired. Her shot landed squarely in the meat of Wilbur's left buttock just as his reached the end of his threat. The "weapon" in his hand misfired, and Officer Fulcher quickly stepped aside to avoid the spray as Wilbur fell to the ground. The rest of his "ammunition" pooled underneath him as he twitched.

"You should have let me taze him sooner, that was almost the Cracker Barrel incident all over again." Polson said.

"He would have wet himself anyway." Fulcher replied.

"True enough. Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who has to haul him into the cruiser?" Paulson asked.

Fulcher nodded. He threw rock, she threw paper. He cursed, she laughed and said, "Stop throwing rock every time and you'll stop going home smelling like pee."

Fulcher sighed heavily as he pulled Wilbur to standing and then over his shoulders in a fireman's carry. Polson graciously held the door for him as they exited the scene.

This story was inspired and informed by:
The Susquehanna Twp Police Blotter
Apparently This Matters: Bacon Shortage
How to Perform the Fireman's Carry

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